Sunday, February 1, 2015

Pavlov's Divorced Cousin

How many things in life can one input generate the same output 99.999% of the time?

Computer code comes to mind.

But when it comes to human behavior, I believe there is more variability than Pavlov got from his now-famous canine. We are surprised every day by our kids, co-workers, bosses, teammates. Humans are unpredictable, and I say this with a behavorialist mindset.

I may have found an exception, and a totally fail-safe one at that.

If you are female and an empty nester, you will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, even consider going out with a guy who has young children, no matter how attractive he is, no matter how much money he has, no matter how satisfying he might be. You just won't do it.

I'm now 51 for 51 and counting.

The above three women all contacted me during the last 24 hours, giddy with excitement over how "down to earth" I seemed. Slowly but surely, I broke the news that made their excitement wither and die. I have an STD, right? Nope. Then I must have felony convictions. Nope. Drug and alcohol problems? Nah. I'm a racist, a right-wing homophobe?

Even worse than all those combined.

(whispered in a barely audible tone)

I have young kids.

Duck, I say! Run for cover!! Head for the hills!!! Someone let an armed mad man loose!!!!

Surely, I jest.

No middle-aged woman could be that persnickety to reject a man she finds interesting merely because he has young kids and she does not. Au contraire, young grasshopper. I kid you not. It is almost like I have a magical potion. Flirt with me like a horny teenage girl one moment, but the second I even hint at a schedule involving pre-teen kids and the only sound you will hear thereafter is the sound of crickets chirping, because that formerly smitten babe is now gone. Toast. History. Saynora, Senorita!

It's kind of fun having this magical power.

Flirt with me, tease me, tell me that you want me.

But you just wait.

You wait until I play my secret card.

Then will see how badly you really want to meet me.

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